CONFESSIONAL REMINISCENCE

He sits in his cave, pondering the experience of perceived reality that he is presently assigned to.
He wonders to himself, once again, why he signed up for this……..insanity. He remembers the past that led him to this present moment. He remembers the experiences that shaped him and led him and manipulated him into his present circumstance. He wonders if there is anything that he would have changed….perhaps in some attempt to improve his situation. He goes over as many instances as he can. Turning points, forks in the road, choices and decisions and actions fomented by motivations that either made sense at the time or didn’t and were done anyway. He searched his will and intent in any of the given situations. He explored his relationships. He considered the circumstances that he endured. He did his best to imagine the need and reason for all and any of it. For some he found answers, for some he still wondered about the logistics of it all.
Was there anything that could have or would have made things in the present moment of experience, any better? Surely he could’ve solved his financial problems…..if he could have gone back into the past with what he knows now and acted with that knowledge then….would he have changed things for the better? Was such a thing possible?
He looked at his life, his existence, his being, his consciousness, his knowledge, his understanding…as it is now. He………. He knew himself. Truly he knew himself now, more so than he ever had before. He knew who and what he was. His understanding of what he used to be, what he still was, in some form and fashion, was something that he knew and had no doubt of any sort about. There always seemed to be more to learn about all of it, as far as the matter existed, but the foundation was firm and stable and he had no doubt or fear whatsoever that the whole of it would be achieved at some point in experience in existence.
Again, he wondered to himself, how had he come to this? This…understanding and state and status of being and doing? Why him? Why this way? Why not another way? What was it about his path to this point where he now stood, that made it all so indispensable and necessary? What was it about the place that he found himself in…this world…this culture…this….society…this…[he laughed to himself quietly] civilization….that made it so that circumstances had to have been and be…this way?
He sighed to himself a sigh of sighs….again. Perhaps he was insane, after all. God knows that there were people that considered him to be so. But so many people considered him to be so many things that he stopped paying attention a long, long time ago.
The whole thing seemed so ridiculous to him. Here was this planet, this place, where people lived together, with no where else to go and yet, they fought amongst and against each other. The sought to manipulate and control each other. They sought to be higher than others so that they could better do so. It never made any sense to him, even as a child.
And he grew………..and that perception never changed.
He watched his parents, well to do in their own community, considered a minority community of former slaves who were freed from their slavery through war and politics and financial manipulations. He didn’t understand it then, but he slowly, painstakingly came to do so in the future, as he aged and grew and experienced the results of the manipulations of the global population, that he knew nothing about the causes of at the time, but he could clearly see the results of in his observations. Still, though he was still a child, he wondered why the whole thing seemed so insane…………….and he grew……
He did what all children were forced to do…go to school. School taught him what they…whoever ‘they’ were…wanted him to know, and so he learned it as best he could. He wasn’t a particularly good student. He never paid attention the way that he was supposed to pay attention, according to the school, anyway. He couldn’t help it. His mind was always doing what it was doing. He was always thinking what he was thinking. He never seemed to be able to think what they were trying to teach him to think. Oh, he learned the basics well enough. He learned the math and the language and the sciences and the given history, well enough…no problem there. But he had to be pushed to push himself to do so and his parents….well, not HIS parents….seems he was given up for adoption after birth…..but his adoptive parents always told him that he was adopted…they told him the truth…so there was that.
It wasn’t until he was a grown adult and they were gone to the great beyond, that he was able to discover the effort and sacrifice and work they put into that adoption and making it succeed and….for some strange reason that he could never fathom… perhaps because he always felt that he had never lived up to their hopes and dreams that they felt were worth so much effort on their part, in order to create, as an accepted part of their family…blood of their blood, heart of their heart, mind of their mind, the culminative outcome of all of their efforts to create and encourage something great and wonderful to contribute to the world….and if they couldn’t have their own child to do it, then they were damn sure going to get one that they felt, with all of their heart and soul, could get the job done and make their lives a thing that contributed to the betterment of society…a d their people…if not the world……sigh…instead…they got him…..God bless them.

He was…a child…perhaps a strange child…full of wonder and imagination and playfulness….and acting and drama…. always getting into things…for better or for worse…. but in that time, that’s what kids did. So, it was alright. It could be handled, even encouraged…up to some point. The social rules were firmer then. Especially within their own racial culture and even more especially outside of it. But the kid was tested and found to have an IQ that was genius….well…..borderline genius level…136…good enough….
So they worked hard for their only child and only son, renamed after his new father and his uncle who died before he was born……..but the kid was a dreamer, an adventurer, a storyteller with an overactive imagination who would see a grand and beautiful mansion and tell his classmate [mind you, this was kindergarten, at the time] that a winged unicorn lived in that house, surrounded by angels……sigh…yeah…that was their kid…God help them…..and he grew.
He went to the best schools that they could afford. They purchased all the best educational tools that they could get. If he asked how to spell a word, they told him to look it up in the dictionary. It bugged him to no end, but as he grew older, he saw the value of it……..and he grew and somehow, he learned and continued to learn.
When the time came for him to attend high school, he was given a choice. He could continue to attend the private school that he had always attended, or he could attend the school that his father had become the assistant principal of. For some reason he saw this a way to save his parents money, which he felt was important to them, for some reason……and so he chose the public high school……sigh…..
Thus began four years of purgatory….he called it hell at the time and through it all….but years later he decided that he actually did have friends that actually liked and cared about him in spite of it all. The remainder, the majority of the school hated him by association. He figured later that it wasn’t so much personal as it was simply a thing that was expected. It was simply that he never handled it well. The other children of the administration seemed to him, to have it better.
Of course one was a girl…..smile…and truly beautiful she was…even he had a big crush on her…smile…
So that just left her with the other girls to deal with.
The other
Well…he had no idea how he did it. But he was good looking and…strong…football team strong…and he played well…and it never bothered him when the majority of the school booed him on stage when he was introduced as part of the team….the team loved him……
Our hero was nothing like that. He was lazy and noncompetitive. He was no good at sports and would have probably been great in the music department….but for some , strange, unknown reason….even now unfathomable by him…..he didn’t go that way.
He found himself in a situation where he was doing what he could to please others according to what he understood were the rules of the societal culture in which he found himself living in…….
And he failed miserably………..
He was no athlete nor was he a warrior/fighter. Being harassed and harangued by what seemed to be the majority of the student body severely affected him and by the time he was ready to graduate and go to college, he was determined to forge a new and independent and totally different path for himself that had nothing at all to do with his former life….little did he realize……..grin.
At his graduation ceremony he hugged the crap out of his father, who handed him his diploma. It remains one of the best and brightest and most positive and defining acts of his life. There were still boos in the audience, but at that point he had realized…’Hey…ok….surely, i can be and have been an asshole in all of this…my apologies…..but this is my DAD….i love him …so fuck you…….’
And that was that………..he moved on…….
His parents were determined to get him into an ivy league school and his test scores were third in his class…right behind two Jews, one male and one female….he knew them both very well….the male he had experienced as being a bigger asshole than he ever thought that he, himself could be…the female he wouldn’t have minded marrying…..anyway..heheheheh……he got into the school of his parents choice and even though it wasn’t the school that he chose for himself…which was an absolutely lovely, small school in Connecticut that he fell in love with from the brochures…he ended up going to Dartmouth, which he absolutely fell in love with simply by being there. It was all that he could have imagined and more…and so he is grateful for his parents resolve in the matter…….and he apologizes for what he found out about the place and how that caused him to become what he later became……..
But that is a post for another day………..maybe Tuesday
If this system of things is still alive and breathing even though it has been stabbed and shot and lasered and bombed and strangled and cut and stomped and lies broken and bleeding in the mud of the swamp of its own making…….
And perhaps…even if it isn’t……….
And yes…I AM FULLY EXPECTING A MOST GLORIOUS AND AEXCEELLENT EASTER!!!!!!!
But that’s me…fuck me…right?
There is much more if you really want to know…it is simply that I need to deal with other things right now and this is becoming something else that might be the something else that I was looking for
And so
This is enough for now
And I will inquire and then we will see
And it will be what it must be……..

Consider all and any of this as me
Being who and what I am in and with I AM
Being who and what I AM is, in and with I am………..[huge smile here for those of you that really and truly understand that statement…GOD BLESS YOU FOR BEING ABLE TO DO AND BE SO! AMEN!!]

{AND IF YOU REALLY WANT A CLUE TO WHAT….(okays…consider this a target of sorts…and you know who you are and I am sick of you and want nothing to do with you, ever…so stop trying to post…all you do is lie and manipulate and I am really trying to be good and nice to you and that is wearing thin and if THEY give me permission to…..well…I don’t want any of that if I can avoid it…so pleasepleaseplease leave me the fuck alone forevermore and you won’t have to care about me anymore….what I went through to get here….while you are claiming this and that about me and lying through your teeth in fear of the truth coming out about whatever it is that you are…..which I am told is happening….[does that even serve a purpose when all I wanted to do was be left alone by you and to have you leave me alone? We had the perfect opportunity to let that happen. Why are you still bothering me? I have given up on you and care not for anything you do and want not anything you have or had….your fate is on you…let me deal with mine just as well…without each other having anything to do with each other and let us end up where we will end up without any thought or feeling of/for each other….can we do that….please? Thank you. I don’t go anywhere near your house anymore…ever…..no more emails…we are done….i couldn’t care less about anything you do or are doing and I want nothing you have or claim to have…….get that straight…please…….enough is enough…innocents have been hurt without reason and for what? Cease and desist and contact me no more…you are eternally blocked from my house and I go nowhere near yours nor to your outhouse nor anywhere near anything having anything having to do with you…live with it and go on about you business on your own…away from me…..it will be what it will be and we will both have to live with the outcome…let that be what it is between us……..i forgave you…..let that forgiveness remain and let us, from now on, be nonexistent to each other forevermore…there is nothing to contact between what used to be what we were….we do not exist for each other anymore…….please accept this offering…I beg of you.
OTHERWISE…..well…please…accept this contract/deal/offering….this is me at my nicest under the circumstances…all you have to do is tell me YEA or NAY….AND WE WILL LET IT ALL FALL WHERE IT WILL IN GOD AND GOD’S WILL AND IN ATON…AND YES….IN AND WITH DABI……ET. AL. …………..}
SIgh….going to the next post….apologies to anyone disturbed by this….it is what it has to be in and with THE ONE……BUT I SEE A REALLY GOOD BEGINNING IN ALL OF THIS…..HEHEHEHEH….Yes….this is the way.
THE WAY…….
All righty then…stay tuned……we will see what we will see……..
But I know you…….so gear up, buttercup…..the choice is up to you…my job is done……
I’m not the one you must be concerned with or worried about
So gear up buttercup……for the truth of all things
Large and small
Is being revealed
And acted upon
Accordingly
That is all
AMEN
AMEN
AME
I am
Even I am I
I
I am
I am i
I am
I
Amen
Amen
Amen